CBT Tooltalk - all articles #1-26

  

#1 - The Inner Critic - Identifying Negative Thoughts (Part 1)

Have you ever caught yourself thinking unhelpful things? That nagging voice in your head that brings you down? That's your inner critic, and we all have one. Whether you're on a journey of self-improvement or want to help someone else, the first step is to become aware of these thoughts.

Shlomo Hamelech reminds us, “כי כאשר יחשב בלבו כן הוא" “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he...” (Mishlei 23:7). Our thoughts have a powerful impact on our lives.

Let's look at a real-life example. I run a small eyeglasses business from home. Last week a customer (let’s call him Reuven) forgot his prescription. Under his breath, I heard him mutter harshly, "I left my prescription at home, I'm so stupid!"

Most of us don't speak our inner critic's messages aloud like Reuven did. But it's important to pay attention to what that voice is saying!

Here are three ways to catch your inner critic in action:

1. The "Hot Thought" Technique Exercise: Think about a recent situation that made you feel down. What was the first thought that popped into your head? That's often your inner critic chiming in.

2. "Looking in the Mirror" Exercise: Imagine your inner critic as a separate person standing in front of you. What does it look like? How does it act? What's it saying to you? Giving your inner critic a form can help you see it more clearly and challenge its negativity.

3. Catching Automatic Thoughts: Throughout the day, especially when you're feeling low, pay attention to your thoughts. Keeping a journal can be helpful for recording these "automatic thoughts." Over time, you might see patterns and recognize the inner critic's themes

Getting Practical:

Pick one of these tools and try it out! For exercises 1 and 2, find a quiet place with no distractions (put your phone away!) to get the best results. You might not be able to hear that inner voice right away so be patient and give yourself some dedicated listening time.

Remember, becoming aware of your inner critic is the first step to managing it. Stay tuned for Part 2, where we'll learn how to challenge those negative thoughts!

#2 - The Inner Critic: Part 2 - From Negative Thoughts to Limiting Beliefs

DISCLAIMER:

What is written below can be triggering and open you up to negative thought patterns. If you are highly sensitive or easily brought down, either skip this post until the next lesson or please read this and do this work with someone you trust who can help you through the exercise.

In Part 1, we learned how to identify that nagging voice in our heads, the inner critic. But how exactly does it hold us back?

The inner critic whispers doubts and insecurities that can solidify into limiting beliefs. These are fixed ideas that convince us we can't achieve something, acting like mental roadblocks that prevent us from reaching our full potential.

The Power of Words:

Imagine you're sitting at the Shabbat table, and your guest opens with, "You know Sari from down the street? Well, let me tell you—she's the most incompetent, irresponsible, dumb, lazy person I know."

What would your reaction be? Would you want to invite this guest to your home again? It's LOSHON HARA (derogatory speech). It's forbidden to speak it, listen to it, and believe it!

Not only would you gently remind your guest that they are at a Shabbat table and this is not appropriate, but you would likely never invite them again and probably avoid such a person altogether. Who wants to be around negativity?

Well, that's what most of us do on a pretty regular basis towards ourselves.

Let's revisit the story of Reuven, the customer who forgot his prescription. Remember, his inner critic told him, "I left my prescription at home, I'm so stupid!"

Here, the key words are "so stupid." This label creates a limiting belief: "I am stupid" or "I am incompetent." This belief might make Reuven hesitant to ask for help in the future, fearing another mistake will reinforce his "incompetence." He might avoid situations where forgetting something could happen again, leading to feelings of frustration, inadequacy, and isolation.

Identifying Limiting Beliefs:

The inner critic can target various aspects of our lives. Here's a list of common limiting beliefs:

To clarify, in this exercise, I'm referring to personal limiting beliefs, not beliefs about others or the world around us.

Here are some limiting statements you might say to yourself:

• "I'm not good enough."

• "I'm a failure."

• "I'm not worthy of love/happiness."

• "I'm unattractive."

• "I'm too old/young."

• "I'm socially awkward."

• "I'm weak/unathletic."

• "I'm always a disappointment."

• "I'm a burden to others."

• "I'm not good at anything."

• "I'm a follower, not a leader."

• "I'm not creative/funny/intelligent/interesting..."

• "I don't deserve good things."

• "I'm cursed with bad luck."

• "I'm damaged goods."

• "I can't change, this is just who I am."

About Ourselves - Personality:

• "I'm too sensitive."

• "I'm too shy."

• "I'm boring."

• "I'm lazy."

• "I'm selfish."

• "I'm overemotional."

• "I'm too critical of myself."

• "I'm too critical of others."

• "I'm easily offended."

• "I'm a perfectionist."

About Ourselves - Mindset:

• "I'm not smart enough."

• "I'm a slow learner."

• "I'm forgetful/scatterbrained."

• "I'm bad at making decisions."

• "I have a bad memory."

• "I'm not good at math/science/art..."

• "I'm not good at public speaking."

• "I'm bad at learning new things."

• "I'm not tech-savvy."

• "I have a learning disability, so I can't achieve X."

About Our Abilities:

• "I can't learn this."

• "I'm bad at..." (specific skills)

• "I'll never be successful."

• "I don't have the talent for this."

• "I'm not creative/funny/intelligent..."

• "I can't sing/dance/play an instrument."

• "I can't fix things myself."

• "I'm not good at writing/speaking another language."

• "I'm not athletic."

• "I'm not good in business/sales/marketing..."

• "I'm not artistic/musical/mechanically inclined..."

About the World:

• "Everyone else is better than me."

• "I'm different. People will judge me."

• "Bad things always happen to me."

• "There's no point in trying, I'll just fail anyway."

• "I don't have what it takes to succeed."

• "The world is unfair."

• "No one will ever like/love me."

• "Why should anyone care about me? It's a dog-eat-dog world."

About Taking Action:

• "It's too difficult/expensive/time-consuming."

• "What's the point? It won't make a difference."

• "I need to be perfect before I start."

• "I'm afraid of making mistakes."

• "If I try, I might fail, and that's too embarrassing."

• "Change is scary, it's better to stay safe."

• "Taking risks is dangerous."

• "I'm bad at public speaking."

• "I'm afraid of heights/closed spaces/etc."

• "I'm bad at managing my time."

• "I don't have the willpower to stick to a plan."

Relationship-Specific:

• About Others: 

• "People can't be trusted."

• "Everyone will eventually leave me."

• "I'm not good enough for anyone to love."

• "No one understands me."

• About Myself in Relationships: 

• "I'm a burden to others."

• "I'm not good at relationships."

• "I always mess things up."

• "I'm too needy/clingy."

Success-Oriented:

• "I'm not lucky enough to be successful."

• "Successful people are born, not made."

• "I don't have the right connections."

• "The system is rigged against me."

• "One mistake will ruin everything."

Financial Beliefs:

• "I'm bad with money."

• "Rich people are greedy/lucky. I'm a pushover/unlucky."

• "I can never afford that. I'm incapable."

• "Making money is hard and takes too much time. I'm too lazy."

Health-Related:

• "I'm not strong/healthy enough."

• "I'll never lose weight/get in shape."

Remember: This list is still not exhaustive, and the inner critic can be endlessly creative in crafting limiting beliefs. However, by becoming aware of these common patterns, you can begin to challenge them and build a more empowering mindset.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to discover your personal limiting beliefs:

General Self-Perception:

• What are my biggest weaknesses? (Be cautious: How you answer this question might reveal limiting beliefs, but it can also lead to negative self-talk. Be mindful and focus on identifying limiting beliefs, not dwelling on negativity.)

• What are my biggest fears?

• What are some recurring negative thoughts I have about myself?

• In what areas of life do I feel the most stuck or unfulfilled?

• When do I feel the most insecure or inadequate?

Specific Situations:

• When I consider pursuing a new goal, what thoughts come up first? (e.g., "I'm not good enough," "It's too hard," "I'll just fail anyway")

• When I receive criticism, how do I typically react? (e.g., "They're right, I'm a failure," "I can't do anything right")

• When I experience setbacks or failures, what is my internal narrative? (e.g., "I'm a loser," "I never succeed at anything")

• In relationships (romantic, friendships, work), what patterns do I notice? (e.g., "People always leave me," "I don't deserve good relationships")

Remember:

• Limiting beliefs can be deeply ingrained, so it may take time and self-compassion to uncover them.

• Don't judge yourself for having limiting beliefs - everyone has them!

• The goal is to identify these beliefs and challenge them with more empowering thoughts.

Why It Matters:

Shlomo Hamelech teaches us, "Guard your heart, for from it flow the springs of life"

שְּׁמֹר לְבָבְךָ כִּי מִמֶּנּוּ תּוֹצְאוֹת חַיִּים (Proverbs 4:23). Our thoughts and beliefs have a powerful influence on our lives.

The Talmud teaches: “בְּדֶרֶךְ שֶׁאָדָם רוֹצֶה לָלֶכֶת בָּהּ מוֹלִיכִין אוֹתוֹ. [B’derech she’adam rotzeh lalechet bahem molechin oto.]” (Makkos 12) Even though Hashem has a plan for each of us, it's up to us to choose our path. Limiting beliefs can restrict our choices and prevent us from fulfilling our potential. When we allow our inner critic to guide us and say “I’m so stupid, dumb, lazy, incapable, etc.” then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and Hashem will guide us on the path we forge for ourselves, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

Getting Practical:

Using the information above, do your best to identify your "limiting belief." Try to put a word to it, like the ones in the list below. You might have more than one or two.

Sometimes it's helpful to do this with a good friend.

Please DO NOT do this exercise unless you are committing yourself to reading “Part 3” I don’t want anyone to get more “stuck” in their limiting beliefs.

In Part 3 of “The Inner Critic” we will have tools in how to overcome your “limiting Beliefs”

#3 - Part 3 - Conquering Your Inner Critic: Powerful Tools to Shatter Limiting Beliefs

Hopefully, by now you've identified the voice holding you back – your inner critic. (If you’re just joining now and would like to receive parts 1 & 2 of identifying your limiting beliefs, please PM me.) 

Over the next week or so I will be sending out tools and exercises to help you reveal the real you without those limiting beliefs holding you back!

Step 1: Expose the Distortions

Our inner critic thrives on distorted thinking patterns. Let's unmask these cognitive distortions (that inner voice speaking loshon hara about you – see part 2), the common culprits behind limiting beliefs:

• All-or-Nothing Thinking: This black-and-white thinking leaves no room for nuance. You see yourself as a complete failure if you don't achieve perfection. “If I’m not a Tzadik , then I’m a failure”

• Overgeneralization: One setback becomes a life pattern. You accidently turned the light on Shabbos? You didn’t Daven with the proper Kavanah (intent)? You must be bad Jew.

• Mental Filtering: Like a spotlight, negativity gets magnified while positive aspects vanish. Your boss criticizes your work, so you must be incompetent (ignoring all the positive feedback).

• Disqualifying the Positive: You downplay compliments or positive experiences. "They only said I did a good job because they felt sorry for me."

• Mind Reading: You become a fortune teller, assuming you know what others think, often in a negative light. "Everyone thinks I'm boring."

• Emotional Reasoning: Your emotions dictate your reality. "I feel like a fraud, so I must be one."

Raban Gamliel said אל תדין את חברך עד שתגיע למקומו "Don't judge your fellow man until you've reached his place" (Pirkei Avos 2:4) We can apply this to ourselves too. Just as we can’t judge others unless we really understand where they are coming from, we also must be aware of our thoughts. Is my self-talk real or some inaccurate distortion. By recognizing these distortions, we can see things more objectively and challenge the negativity.

Getting Practical: Reflect on your limiting beliefs. Can you identify any of these cognitive distortions lurking behind them?

#4 - Step 2: Challenge Your Limiting Beliefs

Now that you've exposed the distorted thinking behind your limiting beliefs, it's time to challenge them with evidence:

• Is this thought truly accurate, or is it just my inner critic whispering lies?

• What evidence supports this belief, and what evidence contradicts it?

• What's a more realistic and empowering way to view this situation?

Step 3: Replace with Empowering Beliefs

The Ramchal warns us that One must guard against a negative thought just as one guards against a physical transgression. For a negative thought gives birth to a negative action. (Mesilas Yesharim 19). 

Don't let limiting beliefs dictate your worth! Now that you've challenged their validity, it's time to replace them with empowering counter-beliefs.

• For example: 

• Limiting belief: "I'm not good enough."

• Challenge: "Is there any evidence to support this? I've achieved X, Y, and Z. Maybe I'm not perfect, but I'm definitely capable."

• Empowering counter-belief: "I may not be perfect, but I'm worthy and capable of learning and growing."

Getting Practical: (step 2): Choose a limiting belief that's been holding you back. Write it down and then answer the challenge questions above.  (step 3): Now write a new, empowering counter-belief. Write it down and repeat it to yourself as a positive affirmation.

Here are a couple of example to help you out: 

#1 – On learning

• Limiting Belief: "I'm not smart enough to understand the gemara.

• ."

• Challenge Questions: 

• Is this thought truly accurate? Maybe I haven't grasped some concepts yet, but I still understand some parts With hard work and proper guidance, I can learn and grow in Torah study.

• What evidence supports this belief? I remember having difficulty with a specific Gemara passage, but with the help of my Rebbe and consistent review, I was able to understand it.

• What's a more realistic and empowering way to view this situation? Everyone learns at their own pace. The important thing is to approach Torah study with dedication and perseverance, trusting that Hashem will help me grow in understanding.

• Empowering Counter-Belief: "With Hashem's help and consistent effort, I can learn and gain deeper meaning from Torah study."

#2 - About Davening (Prayer)

• Limiting Belief: "My tefilos (prayers) aren't meaningful. I get distracted and my mind wanders."

• Challenge Questions: 

• Is this thought truly accurate? Even with distractions, some part of my mind is still focused on Hashem. Imperfect prayer is still better than no prayer at all.

• What evidence supports this belief? Sometimes my mind wanders completely, but other times I experience moments of true connection and focus during prayer.

• What's a more realistic and empowering way to view this situation? Everyone struggles with focus during prayer. The important thing is to make a sincere effort to concentrate and connect with Hashem, even if distractions arise.

• Empowering Counter-Belief: "By focusing on my intention and taking steps to minimize distractions, I can improve the quality and meaningfulness of my prayers."

A great quote: (Brachos 61a)

רבי יוחנן אמר אדם נדון בכל יום שנאמר בוקר תשפטנו בכל יום ויום מניין ממחשבה ראשונה שעולה בלבו אדם Rabbi Yochanan said: A person is judged every day, as it is said (Psalms 66:9): "In the morning You judge us." Every single day? From where? From the first thought that arises in a person's heart.

#5 - Chapter 4: Embrace Self-Compassion on Your Journey

You've identified your limiting beliefs, challenged their validity, and replaced them with empowering counter-beliefs. That's a huge accomplishment. Think of this as a long-distance race, not a quick run. There will be setbacks, moments of self-doubt, and times when your inner critic will try to get into your head. That's where self-compassion comes in.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion isn't about letting yourself off the hook for bad behavior. It's about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you'd offer a close friend struggling on their own path. Imagine a friend who's feeling overwhelmed or discouraged. Would you berate them for their shortcomings? Absolutely not! You'd offer words of encouragement, remind them of their strengths, and help them find solutions. 

Why is Self-Compassion Important?

Self-criticism can be a major roadblock to progress. When you constantly beat yourself up, it fuels feelings of inadequacy and demotivates you from trying. Self-compassion, on the other hand, creates a supportive inner environment that fosters growth. It allows you to:

• Acknowledge Your Struggles: We all have flaws and limitations. Accepting this reality helps you approach challenges without excessive self-criticism.

• Forgive Yourself for Mistakes: Everyone makes mistakes. Instead of dwelling on them, self-compassion allows you to learn from them and move forward.

• Be Patient with Your Progress: Change takes time. Self-compassion allows you to celebrate small victories and stay motivated on your journey.

Our sages teach, עולם חסד יבנה "The world was created with kindness" (Midrash Tehilim 5), and every person is called an עולם קטן (small world) (Gemara Sukkah 52b). Our world must be built of self-kindness. It is the meaning of our creation! We also know the Torah says, "ואהבת לרעך כמוך" (Vayikra 19:18) "Love your neighbor as yourself." That means you must be loving to yourself first.

Here are some practical ways to cultivate self-compassion:

• Challenge Negative Self-Talk: When that inner critic starts whispering doubts, challenge those thoughts with evidence of your capabilities and accomplishments. (see step #2)

• Practice Mindfulness: Become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Meditation can be a helpful tool for this. (we will go more in-depth into this in a later post)

• Forgive Yourself: Everyone makes mistakes. Acknowledge the mistake, learn from it, and then forgive yourself and move forward.

• Celebrate Your Victories: No matter how small, take the time to acknowledge your progress. This reinforces positive behavior and keeps you motivated.

• Treat Yourself with Kindness: Schedule time for self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. 

Remember: Change takes time, and Hashem values your sincere efforts towards a more fulfilling life. He is more interested in your sincere effort more than the actual outcome! לפום צערא אגרא “The reward is for our effort” (Pirkei Avos 5:24).

Be patient with yourself, celebrate your victories, and extend kindness to yourself just as you would to a beloved friend. With self-compassion as your guide, you can overcome limiting beliefs and build a life filled with joy and purpose.

#6 - Conquering Catastrophizing: A Fresh Start for Your Mind and Bitachon (Trust in Hashem)

You've silenced the inner critic (See previous posts), but a nagging voice might still whisper "what ifs" and worst-case scenarios. Don't worry, this is normal. But dwelling on these negative predictions can be paralyzing and hold you back. Here's how CBT tools can help you overcome catastrophizing and empower you to move forward, all while strengthening your trust in Hashem.

What is Catastrophizing?

Catastrophizing is a cognitive distortion where you view or talk about an event or situation as worse than it actually is and/or assume it will have the worst possible outcome. It's a way of thinking that blows negative situations way out of proportion. Imagine going through life with blurry glasses. Every little problem looks like a big mess, and even small things seem scary.

Here are some practical tools to help overcome catastrophizing:

•       Challenge the Evidence: Ask yourself - What is the evidence for this thought? How likely is this worst-case scenario to actually happen?

• Focus on the Present: Practical Steps - Don't get paralyzed by fear. Identify what you can control and take action to improve the chances of success.

• Identify Alternatives: Focus on Solutions - Instead of dwelling on the worst-case scenario, focus on finding solutions and fulfilling your commitments as best you can.

•       Community Support: Seek guidance and encouragement from mentors, colleagues, or friends. Sharing your worries can be a powerful tool.

• Have Bitachon (Trust in Hashem): Remember that Hashem is always with you. Pray for guidance, trust in His plan, and believe that He will see you through any challenge.Examples:

The Worried Fundraiser:

David, a fundraiser for a mesivta high school, has to deliver the annual budget to the board of directors (who are also the school's primary donors) and fears they will reject his presentation. His mind starts imagining the school closing, leaving hundreds of students without a Jewish education and him with no way to support his family.

• Challenge the Evidence: David can gather evidence to counter the negative thought. He can remind himself of his past successes and the strengths of his fundraising efforts.

• Identify Alternatives: David can brainstorm solutions. He can explore other potential donors or partnerships if the current board rejects his proposal.

• Focus on the Present: David should focus on what he can control in the present. He can refine his proposal and practice his presentation to ensure clarity, confidence, and emphasize the urgency of their continued support.

• Seeking Support: David can seek guidance from a mentor or colleague for feedback and encouragement.

• Trust in Hashem: David can strengthen his trust in Hashem. He can remember that one must do his hishtadlus (effort) with hard work and preparation, but ultimately, success comes from Hashem and He guides our paths. He can pray for clarity and guidance, trusting that the outcome will be for the best.

The Anxious Mom:

Miriam, a busy mom, notices one of her children forgot his lunch at home again. She blames herself for not reminding him and starts thinking about the consequences: "If my son forgot his lunch at home, he'll be starving all day at school. The other kids will make fun of him, and he'll be too embarrassed to ask anyone for food! Not to mention that his unhealthy eating habits are going to affect his normal, healthy growth!"

• Challenge the Evidence: Miriam can remind herself that forgetting a lunch isn't the end of the world. Her son is resourceful and could ask a teacher or friend for a spare snack.

• Identify Alternatives for the future: Miriam can pack a quick, easy snack "just in case" her son forgets his lunch. She can ensure her son has a healthy lunch packed and gets to school safely next time.

• Focus on the Present: Miriam should focus on what she can control right now. She can call the school and ask them to keep an eye on him and let her know if there's an issue.

• Seeking Support: Miriam can talk to other mothers about their experiences and share her worries.

• Trust in Hashem: Miriam can trust in Hashem's providence. Even if her son forgets his lunch, Hashem will ensure he is cared for (Tehillim 145:16): פותח את ידך ומשביע לכל חי רצון  “You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing."

Getting Practical:

• Identify a Catastrophic Thought: Write down a situation that triggers a negative, worst-case scenario thought for you.

• Challenge the Evidence: Ask yourself: 

• What is the evidence for this thought?

• How likely is this worst-case scenario to actually happen?

• Are there other, more realistic possibilities?

• Are there any resources or people who can help you through this?

• Identify Alternatives: Write down 2-3 alternative, more realistic outcomes for the situation.

• Develop a Plan: Based on the alternative outcomes, brainstorm some solutions or steps you can take to address the situation.

Remember: Everyone experiences moments of worry. By using these tools, drawing strength from your community, and strengthening your trust in Hashem, you can conquer catastrophizing and approach challenges with a more positive and empowered mindset.

#7 - Journaling: A Bridge Between Mind and Meaning with CBT and Torah

Journaling is more than just writing down thoughts. It's a powerful tool for self-discovery, growth, and building a stronger connection with Hashem. It affords us the opportunity to gain clarity and insight into our inner selves when we struggle to make sense of things, and life just feels overwhelming.

Writing serves as a powerful tool for Cheshbon Hanefesh (Accounting of the Soul), allowing us to self-examine our thoughts and actions. As Shlomo Hamelech instructs us, שמור פתחי לבך מכל משמר כי ממנו תוצאות חיים "Guard your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life" (Mishlei 4:23).

By putting your thoughts down on paper, you can achieve the following:

• Gain Clarity and Increase Self-Awareness: Writing down your thoughts and feelings fosters a clearer understanding of your inner world. Journaling allows you to externalize your thoughts and identify patterns in your thinking and emotional responses.

• Challenge Negative Thoughts: Journaling empowers you to question and challenge unhelpful negative thought patterns and automatic thoughts, promoting growth and a more positive mindset.

• Develop Resilience: Journaling helps you develop coping mechanisms and explore healthier ways to manage difficult emotions and stressful situations.

Journaling can also help us track progress. By reviewing your entries over time, you can track your progress in managing negative thoughts and developing coping skills. The Torah statesכתב זאת זכרון בספר ושם באזני יהושע כי מחה אמחה את זכר עמלק מתחת השמים "Write this as a memorial in a book and recite it to Yehoshua, for I will blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven," (Shemos 17:14) highlights the importance of recording experiences and learning from them. Journaling allows you to document your thoughts and experiences, creating a record for future reflection and growth.

Here's how to practice journaling:

1. Set Aside Time: Choose a quiet time when you can focus on your thoughts and feelings without distractions.

2. Start with a Prompt: You can use prompts related to a specific situation that's been bothering you, or a general prompt like "What am I feeling right now?"

3. Write Freely: Don't worry about grammar or spelling. Just express your thoughts and feelings honestly.

4. Identify Negative Thoughts: Look for patterns of negative thinking such as all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, or overgeneralization.

5. Challenge These Thoughts: Question the validity of your negative thoughts. Gather evidence for and against these thoughts. Reframe them with more balanced and realistic perspectives.

6. Develop Coping Strategies: Based on your situation, brainstorm healthier coping mechanisms for dealing with difficult emotions or challenging situations.

The purpose of journaling is to break free from unhelpful thinking patterns and develop a more positive and empowered mindset. By consistently practicing journaling, you can learn to manage negative thoughts, cope with stress more effectively, and achieve your goals.

#8 - Gratitude is the Jewish Attitude – Journaling Part 2

Following up on last week's article on journaling your thoughts, here's a powerful idea: write down the things you're grateful for to Hashem.

Gratitude isn't just about saying "thank you." It's a deep-rooted shift in mindset based on Torah hashkafa (philosophy). The first thing we do each morning is declare our gratitude with the Modeh Ani prayer, thanking Hashem for another day and His belief in us. In fact, the very essence of who we are is tied to gratitude. The word "Jew" comes from Judah, Leah's son, named when she declared, "’הפעם אודה את ה" (This time I will thank Hashem) (Bereshis 29:35).

Bringing gratitude into your life can:

• Deepen Your Connection with Hashem: Appreciating blessings strengthens your relationship with Hashem, the source of all goodness. Gratitude allows you to see the world with wonder and recognize the gifts, big and small, the Creator gives us every moment.

• Boost Happiness and Well-being:  Expressing gratitude has been scientifically shown to increase happiness, reduce stress, and improve overall well-being. It's even been linked to better sleep and fewer doctor visits!

• Develop a Growth Mindset:  Gratitude fosters a sense of abundance. Instead of dwelling on what's lacking, you appreciate what you have.

Getting Practical: Simple Practices for Cultivating Gratitude

• Start a Gratitude Journal:  Dedicate a few minutes each day to write down things you're grateful for, big or small. Consider a small notepad titled "Thank You Hashem" journal. Write down 3 things you're truly grateful for daily, at the same time each day. Even the small things count. Try it for 40 days.

• Practice Mental Reframing:  When faced with challenges, try to identify the hidden blessings or lessons learned.

• Express Thank You: Verbally express gratitude to those who enrich your life, strengthening relationships. Studies show that even writing a thank you letter has a positive impact on your perspective and relationships.

• Take a "Gratitude Walk": During a walk, mindfully appreciate the beauty of nature and the world around you.

• Focus during the "Modim" Prayer:  If you pray three times a day, take a moment during the _Modim_ (Thanks) prayer to thank Hashem for at least 3 things. It only takes a few moments and can transform your _tefillah_!

By incorporating these practices, you can cultivate a grateful heart. This shift in perspective will enrich your life and bring you closer to Hashem.

“In the US last year, there were approximately $23 billion dollars in unused gift cards. How many unappreciated gifts do we have in our lives today?”

An article on my personal journey with gratitude: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/gratitude-best-attitude-chaim-silverstone/

#9 - Taming the Inner Critic: How to Challenge Negative Automatic Thoughts

Have you ever walked out of shul feeling like your davening wasn't good enough? Or maybe you spent hours in the beis medrash but still convinced yourself you'll never ‘get it’? You give so much of yourself to your children, but you keep feeling like it’s not enough… These fleeting, negative thoughts that pop up in response to situations are called Negative Automatic Thoughts (NATs). While they can feel powerful, they're not truths – they're just the first thought that come to you.

It's important to distinguish NATs from Limiting Beliefs. NATs are fleeting thoughts, triggered by something that happened Limiting Beliefs (See “The Inner Critic” above), on the other hand, are deeper-seated convictions that hold you back. 

Think of NATs as the smoke – the initial reaction – and Limiting Beliefs as the fire that fuels them. By challenging your NATs, you can weaken the underlying Limiting Belief.

Our thoughts shape our reality. "For as a person thinks to himself, so is he" כי כאשר שער בנפשו כן הוא (Mishlei 23:7). The Baal Shem Tov said, " The world is a reflection of how we see it " Our perspective, shaped by our thoughts, determines our experience.

Examples of Negative Automatic Thoughts:

• "I messed up that line in davening. Everyone is judging me."

• "This challah isn't perfect. Shabbat dinner is ruined."

• "My friend didn't say hi. They must be mad at me."

• "If I don't get into this yeshiva, my whole future is doomed."

Overcoming NATs: 

• Challenge the Evidence: When a NAT strikes, question its truth. Ask yourself, "Is that really true?" or "Is there some other way for me to look at this?"

• Rewrite the Narrative: Come up with more balanced response that reflects a more honest view of the situation. Instead of "I messed up that line in davening. Everyone is judging me.” How about "Everyone makes mistakes during davening. I can focus on the next part and continue with kavanah (intent)". 

• Picture Success: Visualize yourself calmly navigating situations that typically trigger negative thoughts. This positive rehearsal builds confidence. See yourself messing up some of the Shabbos food and calmly accepting it as a mistake and not a representation of you as a failure.

• Journal it: Track your negative thoughts and identify patterns. This awareness empowers you to challenge them (see the article on Journaling from 2 weeks ago)

• Relax and Recharge: Stop, take a deep breath, and try to relax. Allow yourself to relax. Anxiety fuels negativity.

• Affirm Yourself: Repeat positive statements that counter self-doubt. Choose affirmations specific to your goals or challenges. “I am a capable person! That yeshiva doesn’t determine my worth or my value.”

• Reward Progress: Acknowledge your victories! Celebrate successfully challenging a negative thought or practicing positive self-talk.

Getting practical:

1. Identify your NATs: Throughout the day, catch yourself when you have a negative thought. Write it down in a journal or on your phone, along with the situation that triggered it. 

2. Challenge your NATs: Ask yourself questions like: " Is this thought realistic? Is it helpful? What evidence supports this thought? Is there another way to look at this situation?" 

3. Replace your NATs: Once you've challenged your negative thought, reframe it into a more positive, realistic one. For example, replace "My friend didn't say hi. They must be mad at me." with "Maybe they didn't see me, or they're preoccupied. I can greet them later or ask if everything's okay.

4. Seek Support: If you find yourself struggling with overwhelming negativity, don't hesitate to seek support from a Rabbi, therapist, or trusted friend. Talking things through with someone who can offer guidance and encouragement can be incredibly helpful.

The Vilna Gaon was once facing a challenge. A flickering candle mirrored his discouragement. A voice reminded him, "Even a small flame can rekindle a larger one”. This reminds us that even small positive steps, like rekindling a flame, can overcome negativity and lead to greater achievements.

#10 - Building Healthy Boundaries: Dealing With the “Doormat” Syndrome

Ever feel like your days are a marathon of “To Do’s”, filled with family commitments, religious duties and social obligations? It can be overwhelming, and sometimes we find ourselves saying "yes" to everything, ending up drained, resentful and feeling like a doormat. Healthy boundaries are the key to protecting your time, energy, and overall well-being.

Please note: We are only focusing on what you can control. There are always going to be unavoidable obligations. Facing responsibilities and obligations without getting overwhelmed, anxious and frustrated will be dealt in a later article.

Identifying Your Boundaries:

• What truly matters to you? In the big picture - Is it spending quality time with your family, taking time out to learn “The Daf”, keeping active and exercising, or having meaningful relationships?  Jot down your core values These are things like honesty, family, compassion, growth, freedom, communication, commitment (to Torah and mitzvos, to others, to our word, etc.), derech eretz (proper conduct), etc. – these anchors guide your decisions and help you prioritize effectively. There are also things that that might be important right now but aren’t at a different time. That’s also Ok. It’s important to know where you stand with what’s being asked of you and be honest with yourself whether or not this is in-line with my core values. 

Ther’s value to having a Shabbos guests, but not if it means it’ll take time away from your children (I know a rabbi that tells his guests outright “you are welcome to come for a Shabbos meal, but just be aware – I might ignore you. I need to focus on my children!”). 

• What are your physical, emotional, and social needs? How much time and energy can you realistically dedicate to different areas of your life? 

If you had a rough day, it could be the last thing you need is to put on a fake smile and go to that wedding. Or perhaps, taking Shlomi to his appointment is just too much for you right now and you really need to just have some down time with a good book and cup of coffee. Recognizing your needs allows you to set boundaries that prevent burnout, ensuring you have the energy to fulfill your commitments with joy. 

• Emotional Triggers & Body Language Cues: Pay close attention to the emotional response you have when someone makes a request. Does your stomach clench, jaw tighten, or brow furrow? Do you feel a wave of resentment or guilt? Notice these negative emotions as potential indicators of a boundary being pushed. 

The mitzvah of "Guard your souls very much" וְנִשְׁמַרְתֶּם מְאֹד לְנַפְשֹׁתֵיכֶם (Devarim 4:15) is the second commandment in the Torah and is in reference to serving idols. Why specifically by this commandment does it warn us to "very much"? Perhaps it is coming to teach us that when we don't allow ourselves to take care of the body and soul Hashem gave us, by giving into others when it's unhealthy for us, it's as if we are worshiping them. 

Setting boundaries ensures you can effectively fulfill your commitments – to your family, community, and yourself – and live a truly meaningful life.

Mastering the Art of Assertive Communication: More Than Just Saying "No"

• Communicate your needs and limitations with clarity and respect. Express your boundaries with phrases like "I'd love to help with the Shabbat Kiddush prep, but I can only manage for an hour this afternoon" or "Thank you for inviting me to the shiur (lecture), but I already have a prior commitment that evening."

• The Power of "Maybe Later" or “Let me think about it”: Don't feel pressured to give an immediate answer. Sometimes we need time to decide whether we are willing to do something and/or in what capacity. Buy yourself time to assess your schedule and needs before committing. "Maybe Later" and “Let me think about it” allows you to space out commitments and avoid feeling overwhelmed. It’s essential though to be honest with yourself and others. Don’t give someone a “Maybe later” unless you are truly considering doing it.

• Offer Alternatives: Can't volunteer for the entire community event? Offer to help set up or contribute a specific dish. You might be able to suggest someone else for the task or getting a service to take care of it. This shows willingness to participate while setting clear boundaries around your time.

• The Broken Record Technique: If someone persists after you've politely declined, repeat your refusal calmly and firmly. For example, if a neighbor keeps asking you to babysit their children every Shabbat afternoon, simply repeat, "Thank you for thinking of me, but I have other commitments on Shabbat."

Other Boundary Setting Tools: 

• Cognitive Restructuring: Challenge negative thoughts that prevent you from setting boundaries. Instead of getting caught up in thoughts like "They'll think I'm selfish if I say no," reframe them to something more empowering, like "It's okay to prioritize my well-being so I can be fully present in my commitments." 

• Visualization: Imagine yourself confidently setting a boundary in a specific situation. Mentally rehearse saying "no" and visualize the positive outcome, such as feeling empowered and in control. 

• Exposure Therapy (with a therapist): In a environment with a therapist, gradually expose yourself to situations where you might struggle to set boundaries. This can involve role-playing scenarios where you practice saying "no". 

Getting practical: 

1. Identifying Your Values and Needs:

• Core Values: Make a list of 5 core values that are important to you in life. This could include things like family, honesty, growth, health, or spirituality.

• Needs Assessment: Create a pie chart where each section represents a different area of your life (family, work, social, self-care, etc.). Allocate slices based on the amount of time and energy you realistically have for each area. Reflect on how balanced your pie chart is and what adjustments you might need to make.

2. Journaling: Write down a situation or two where someone made a request of you. Include your emotional response (frustration, resentment, etc.), any physical sensations you experienced (tight jaw, clenched stomach), and ultimately how you responded to the request. This will help you get in touch with how to set proper boundaries.

3. Role-Playing: Choose a challenging scenario where you struggle to set boundaries (e.g., saying no to extra work, declining social invitations). Role-play this scenario with a friend or family member, practicing assertive communication techniques like "I statements" and offering alternatives.

4. Visualization: Take 5 minutes to visualize yourself confidently setting a boundary in a specific situation. Imagine yourself saying "no" calmly and clearly. Picture the positive outcome.

There are a lot of ideas presented here. Please don't get overwhelmed. Start with one of the exercises below. If this is something you are really struggling with, you might want to take on either #2 or #3 as a 40-day challenge.

List of 25 core beliefs

1. Honesty

2. Integrity

3. Kindness

4. Compassion

5. Respect

6. Fairness

7. Justice

8. Responsibility

9. Freedom

10. Equality

11. Growth

12. Learning

13. Creativity

14. Adventure

15. Independence

16. Health

17. Happiness

18. Balance

19. Security

20. Trust

21. Communication

22. Love

23. Loyalty

24. Support

25. Commitment

#11 - What’s Holding You Back: The Procrastination Mindset

Procrastination can feel like a heavy burden, draining our energy. It hinders our ability to achieve and feel productive. You have a project to finish, an errand to take care of, some task that requires effort or just seems too difficult (ever pick up a Yom Kippur machzor? Just seeing how thick it is with the thought of 25 hours fasting is enough to overwhelm anyone). Perhaps It seems too big and impossible. “Now’s not the time, maybe later” and we push it off.  In the end we can end up feeling stress, anxiety, shame, regret, guilt and/or a sense of unease. All of which often lead to chas v’shalom (G-d forbid) low self-esteem.

Our yetzer hara (evil inclination) wants nothing more than to push us away from “accomplishing”. By recognizing where it’s coming from and taking practical steps we can overcome and get things done. 

What’s the Source?

Procrastination often comes from negative thought patterns and emotional triggers. Let’s break it up into three categories. 

1. Inner-critic factors: 

• Fear of Failure: The dread of not meeting expectations or making mistakes. 

• Perfectionism: The all-or-nothing belief that a task must be flawless before starting.

• Imposter Syndrome: Feeling like a fraud or not deserving of success.

• Fear of Success: Ironically, fear of the responsibilities or challenges that come with success can lead to procrastination. 

• Low Self-Esteem: Doubting your ability to complete a task successfully. “I’ll never understand the gemara, I’ll never have the proper kavana (intent) during davening, I can’t help them, I can’t even seem to take care of myself…”

2. Emotional factors:

• Boredom: Finding the task uninteresting or repetitive.

• Overwhelm: Feeling swamped by the task's magnitude.

• Anxiety (catastrophizing): Worrying about the outcome or potential negative consequences. (see article above)

• Lack of Motivation: Feeling uninspired or disconnected from the task's purpose. “I know I’m supposed to learn more, daven more, do more chesed but I’m just not feeling ‘connected’”

3. Behavioral factors:

• Reward Sensitivity: Prioritizing short-term rewards over long-term goals.

• Time Management Issues: Poor planning and organization.

• Difficulty Getting Started: Overthinking the task or being unsure how to begin.

• Procrastination as a Coping Mechanism: Using procrastination to avoid other stressors or unpleasant emotions. “As long as I don’t do it, I can’t get hurt”

Getting it done: Overcoming your procrastination

1. Taming Your Inner Critic:

• Challenge Your Beliefs: Question the negative thoughts that hold you back. Are they truly accurate? Are there alternative perspectives?

• Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Remember, everyone makes mistakes.

• Reframe Your Thinking: Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Focus on your strengths rather than your weaknesses. “I’m still growing. Even the smallest mitzvah is worth something. I might not be able to daven everything properly, but I can start with  the first bracha.”

2. Mastering Your Emotions:

• Break It Down: Overwhelming tasks can be paralyzing. Divide large projects into smaller, more manageable steps. Use techniques like the “Pomodoro Technique” (working in focused bursts with short breaks) to improve productivity.

• Mindful Moments: Incorporate relaxation techniques like deep breathing or meditation to manage anxiety and stress.

• Visualization: Imagine yourself successfully completing tasks. This can boost motivation and reduce anxiety.

• Procrastination Journaling: For a week, keep a journal of tasks you procrastinate on. Note the reasons behind the delay and any triggers or emotional responses.

• Find Your Why: Connect with the deeper purpose behind your tasks. Understanding why you're doing something can boost motivation. “I’m still growing. I want to do good, and I can take small steps in my growth that will strengthen my connection and Emunah (faith) in Hashem.”

3. Taking Action:

• Prioritize and Plan: Create a schedule or to-do list to organize your tasks. Focus on the most important tasks first. 

• Eliminate Distractions: Create a dedicated workspace free from interruptions.

• Reward Yourself: Celebrate small wins to stay motivated. Create a reward system by setting achievable goals and identifying the reward. 

• Create a Dedicated Workspace: Designate a specific area for work to minimize distractions.

• Establish a Routine: Create a daily or weekly schedule that includes time for tasks, breaks, and relaxation. “I’ll start small, one step and a time and take it from there”

Getting Practical:

Take something that you have been procrastinating with and: 

1. Identify what’s holding you back based on the “What’s the Source?” list above and write it down. (The list is not exhaustive, so if you have something else, feel free to include that) This list could include more than one item.

2. Use at least one of the tools from “Getting It Done” that would most effectively address the procrastination. 

Remember, It's Okay to Not Be Perfect

While these strategies can significantly improve your productivity, it's essential to remember that it's okay to not be perfect. Everyone procrastinates at times. The goal is to reduce its frequency and impact. Celebrate small victories and be patient with yourself as you develop new habits.

And of course, it’s always a good idea to share your struggles.  Talk to a friend, family member, rabbi or therapist about your procrastination challenges. Sharing your experiences can provide support and accountability.

#12 - Self-Care: Filling Your Cup

Life draws energy from us. Problems take their toll on our stability. It can take more energy and strength to calmly deal with a difficult person than it can to pick up a ton of bricks. Throughout our day, we’re faced with family members who need us, employers who expect of us, or something unexpected gets thrown at us. We need the inner strength to be able to "deal" and maintain some sense of composure.

Before I can even begin to work through any issue, there must be a "me" to work with. You must be working with a full emotional charge to be able to handle whatever is thrown your way.

A 2016 study described "low-battery anxiety": how a person's attitude is directly linked to their phone battery. Ninety percent of people have some discomfort when their phone battery is less than 20% charged. This is also true for our internal battery. We need food and sleep to nourish our body, otherwise it ceases to function. This is also true for our emotional and spiritual well-being. When a battery gets low, it doesn’t function properly. Applications take longer to open and some functions may not work properly or at all. Sometimes it can even cause damage to your phone. You can’t let this happen to you.

There was a children’s comic strip that showed a little boy lying in bed with two cups. One was full of water and one was empty. The boy’s brother walks into the room and asks, "Shmuli, why do you have two cups?" Shmuli answers, "One for when I’m thirsty, and one for when I’m not."

We need to always have one cup to drink from and another to fill up as our reserve, just in case we finish the first.

There are three unique ways to “fill your cup”: (It is a good idea to do all of them.)

1. Self-love is the act of doing things that you enjoy and give you energy. They may or may not have a constructive physical benefit. They will pick up your spirits and allow you to be focused and balanced. It could be eating something you enjoy, spending time with a close friend, reading a good book, a hobby, going to a party, spending time in nature, etc. (For me, self-love would be eating marshmallows.)

2. Self-care acts are not always enjoyable, but are for my benefit. Going to a doctor when I’m ill. Have you ever been prescribed a medicine that you were supposed to take for x number of days and then stopped taking it before it prescribed time? That’s a lack of self-care (and perhaps also of self-love). Eating healthy, sleeping properly, exercising, meditation, or engaging in spiritual practices (ex. learning Torah, davening, doing chesed, getting involved a community activity, etc.) can be powerful ways a person can strengthen themself.

3. Self-compassion is where we are kind to ourselves. When we’re challenged by the negativity of our inner critic (“The Inner Critic” above) , self-compassion is where I can either challenge those thoughts or allow myself to ignore those thoughts. Self-compassion means treating myself gently and taking care not to overdo it. When other people bother me, I can set healthy boundaries (see “Building Healthy Boundaries” above) or physically remove myself from toxic environments.

I heard from one of my teachers, Rabbi Aaron Brody, that there are two ways to pour water from your cup into someone else’s: 1. You could pour from your cup into theirs. This will benefit them, but leave your cup empty. 2. You can continuously pour into your cup, and it will overflow into theirs. When you put the effort into creating a practice of self-love, self-care, and self-compassion, you not only strengthen yourself—you will also impact others!

In the fast-paced world we live in, it's easy to prioritize work, family, and social obligations over our own needs. However, neglecting self-care can lead to burnout, stress, and decreased overall well-being.

Consistency is key when it comes to self-care. It’s important to incorporate these practices into your daily routine and be patient with yourself. Remember, self-care is not selfish; it's essential for your overall well-being and ability to function effectively.

If you wait until you are in an overwhelmed, exhausted state to practice self-care it’s too late.

Getting Practical:

Here’s a few exercises you can do today to get you started.

1.Identify three forms of personal self-love.

2.Identify three forms of personal self-care.

3.Identify one time you practiced (or should have practiced) self -compassion

Mindfulness: The Art of Being Present

In the beginning of Kohelet, Shlomo Hamelech describes life as "Hevel Hevalim hacol hevel," Vanity of vanities, all is vanity. The word "Hevel" (Vanity) can also be translated as "fog" or "vapor." Metaphorically, Shlomo Hamelech was explaining that similar to fog that obstructs one's view, this world is filled with many distractions that keep us from seeing clearly.

Mindfulness is the practice of 'clearing the fog,' being fully present and aware of the current moment without judgment. It can also be a tremendous tool to discover self-awareness and understand our Negative Automatic Thoughts (NATs) and Limiting beliefs (see previous articles for explanation).

Mindfulness involves paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without getting caught up in them. Unlike emptying your mind, mindfulness is about observing your thoughts and gently guiding your focus back to the present.

Benefits of Mindfulness

• Reduced Stress and Anxiety: By calming the mind and body, mindfulness helps you manage stress more effectively, reducing its impact on your well-being.

• Increased Focus and Concentration: Training your mind to stay present improves your ability to concentrate on tasks, enhancing your productivity. A joke is told that before davening, one should say "tefilas haderech" (the traveler's prayer) since our thoughts take us far away from our focus on speaking to Hashem. Mindfulness can be a very powerful tool to help us stay focused on our Creator and our connection to Him.

• Enhanced Emotional Regulation: Mindfulness equips you with tools to understand and manage your emotions, fostering greater emotional stability.

• Improved Relationships: Being completely present and attentive with another, giving them 100% of your focus, deepens your connection with others, building stronger relationships.

• Better Decision-Making: Mindfulness promotes clear thinking by reducing impulsivity, allowing you to make informed choices. Sometimes we let our impulses and emotions guide us, blinding us from making clear decisions.

Getting Practical

Here are some exercises that can help you get present in the moment:

• Mindful Breathing: Focus on your breath, observing the rise and fall of your chest as you inhale and exhale.

• Body Scan Meditation: Bring awareness to different parts of your body, noticing sensations without judgment.

• Mindful Walking: As you walk, pay attention to your senses – the feel of the ground beneath your feet, the sights and sounds around you.

• Mindful Eating: Savor each bite, paying attention to the taste, texture, and aroma of your food. Slow down and enjoy the experience.

• Mindfulness in Daily Activities: Incorporate mindfulness into routine tasks like washing dishes or showering. Notice the water running, the warmth on your skin, the sounds around you.

By regularly practicing mindfulness, you can cultivate a greater sense of calm, clarity, and well-being.

#13 - Building Resilience: Finding Your Inner Strength

Life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks and challenges. It's about maintaining a positive outlook, adapting to change, and even finding meaning in difficult times. Resilience isn't just about surviving; it's about thriving through hardships.

Tools for Building Resilience

• Identify and Challenge Negative Thoughts: When faced with a difficult situation, one of the major challenges is the limiting beliefs that surface. Recognize self-defeating thoughts and replace them with positive affirmations. 

Moshe's wife was diagnosed with a severe illness רח"ל, and his faith in Hashem was severely tested. After soul-searching, he realized that what truly bothered him was his feeling of rejection by G-d. By discussing this with his therapist, he realized that his limiting belief was that he believed himself to be "defective" and "worthless," and his wife's illness triggered these feelings. Using the tools he was given, he started to recognize that we can't understand Hashem's ways and that it's unfair to make assumptions and judgments based on our own false beliefs about ourselves.

• Develop a Growth Mindset: Believe in your ability to learn and grow from challenges. Remember, "Whatever doesn't destroy us only makes us stronger." Ask yourself, "What can I learn from this difficulty?"

• Practice Mindfulness: Cultivate present-moment awareness to reduce stress and increase self-awareness. 

There was an elderly man sitting on a hospital bed, suffering. When asked, "How's the pain?" he answered, "Tolerable." One of his family members, seeing his discomfort, asked how he could tolerate it. He replied that if he thought about how long he'd been suffering or how much longer it could continue, there would be no way. But he focuses on the present moment, asking himself, "Right now, can I handle this pain? Yes."

• Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with positive and supportive people. Family, friends, a support group, etc., are invaluable resources. Being connected to a community is one of the foundations of being a Jew.

• Set Realistic Goals: If we think about the long to-do list or how long a struggle might continue, we can easily get overwhelmed and find it difficult to take care of even the smallest tasks. Break down large goals into smaller, achievable steps.

Torah Tools for Creating Resilience

• The Power of Prayer: Turning to Hashem in times of hardship can provide comfort and strength. Speak to Hashem in your own words. Take the opportunity to get closer to Him. 

There's a parable about a man with a large family who had one sick son. Although he loved all his children equally, his attention was focused on the sick son, and their bond was strengthened during this trying time. Our rabbis teach us that when we are going through hardships, that's when Hashem is closest to us.

• The Importance of Hope: The Torah teaches us to maintain hope even in the face of adversity. Emunah (faith) and bitachon (trust) in Hashem are the foundation of who we are. Read about it, discuss it, Daven (pray) for it. Maybe even try "gratitude journaling" (see previous article on gratitude) with whatever strength you have. "Let go and let G-d."

• The Concept of Hitlahavut (enthusiasm): Instead of shutting down, numbing ourselves, and becoming despondent and lethargic, do things that will energize you. Learn Torah, Do chesed (Kindness for others) and connect to Hashem . Also, make sure to take care of yourself - exercise, eat healthy, listen to music and dance, do something you're passionate about, and connect to others. 

Getting Practical:

• Visualization: Imagine yourself overcoming challenges and achieving your goals. Imagine the strength and understanding you will have gained.

• Take at least one of the tools above and do it. Give yourself the opportunity to create resilience!

#14 - The World is Our Mirror: Self-Perception and Our Relationships to Others and Hashem

Your fellow man is your mirror. If your own face is clean, the image you perceive will also be flawless. But should you look upon your fellow man and see a blemish, it is your own imperfection that you are encountering. You are being shown what you must correct within yourself. — The Baal Shem Tov   

Everyone has a self-schema. These are generalizations we believe about ourselves, both good and bad. They come from our experiences and are reinforced in our interactions with others. Whether aware of it or not, we are constantly looking for validation for our self-schema from the world around us.

This is not only true of others but also in our relationship with Hashem.

Yaakov was still single at 50. He'd never been married and was still living at home. Struggling with depression and unable to hold down a job, he felt dejected, rejected, and alone. He came to me to discuss his relationship with Hashem. He so wanted a relationship with his Creator to find meaning, strength, and comfort through his struggles.

He claimed that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't connect or truly feel Hashem's presence. After some work together, he realized that it was his self-schema that was convincing himself that Hashem wasn't interested in him, continuing this personal theme of "rejected" in his life. Once he realized this, he was able to allow himself to connect to Hashem as his loving Father who wants to connect with him.

Our limiting beliefs (see "The Inner Critic") create a blueprint of what we believe about ourselves, others and even Hashem. 

As we approach Yom Kippur, let us allow ourselves to reconnect to our Creator without any preconceived notions about ourselves or others holding us back. Hashem is our loving Father in heaven who is merciful, slow to anger, and waiting with כביכול open arms to receive us. His only desire is that we have a sincere desire to return.

G'mar Chasima Tova! (You should be sealed in the book of life!)

#15 - Staying Inspired After the High Holidays: The STAR Method

The chagim (High Holidays) season is a very special time. Elul and selichos, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, the sukkah, and Simchas Torah are a time of tremendous introspection, renewal, and spiritual growth. Many of us felt inspired to spark a change, grow, and stay connected.

For many, it was nearly a full month away from regular schedules, as if living in a spiritual bubble with friends and family. It can be very challenging to return to our routine. Coming back to the “real world” after this unique period can feel like something of a letdown. The spiritual adjustment, combined with the day-to-day pressures, can make it difficult to “get back into it.”

Through reflecting on these opportune days and applying the STAR method, we can, b’ezras Hashem (with Hashem’s help), use the power of our positive experiences to find the strength to return to our regular lives, hold onto what we’ve gained, and fuel our growth for the coming year.

What is the STAR Method?

The STAR method is a powerful tool for reflecting on positive experiences and using them to inform future actions. It involves breaking down a positive event into four components:

1. Situation: Using vivid imagery and sensory details to recreate the experience, describe the specific situation or context where the positive experience occurred.

2. Thoughts: Identify the positive thoughts and beliefs associated with the experience. Pay attention to your inner dialogue. What were you telling yourself?

3. Actions: Consider the actions you took that contributed to the positive outcome. What was happening that made your experience special? How can you recreate it?

4. Results: Reflect on the positive emotions and outcomes resulting from the experience. If you could recreate it, what would be the long-term impact of the experience on yourself and others?

Applying the STAR Method to Your High Holiday Experiences

Sarah, a busy mother, struggled to transition back to her demanding home life and work schedule after the warmth and joy of the High Holidays. She felt overwhelmed and unmotivated. To regain her momentum, she reflected on a positive experience from the holidays: spending quality time with her family in the sukkah, particularly a moment when they sat around the table building a puzzle together.

This experience evoked feelings of love, gratitude, and connection, which motivated her to return to work with renewed energy and purpose. Longing to keep that connection, she committed to giving each of her children 20 minutes of “mommy and me” alone time each week to stay connected. Envisioning a stronger bond with each of her children only strengthened her resolve.

David, a high school student, felt a deep spiritual connection during Yom Kippur. The introspection and prayer helped him clarify his goals and aspirations. To maintain this momentum, he reflected on his experience—specifically, a moment when the chazan sang “Anu tzonecha, v’ata roeinu” (We are your flock, and You are our shepherd) to a particularly moving melody.

With a tear in his eye, he remembered feeling uniquely proud to be part of a people chosen by the Almighty. Setting practical goals, he committed to learning a book on bitachon (trust in Hashem) and to reciting the first paragraph of the Shema prayer with extra kavana (intent). This led to a deeper connection to his faith, increased motivation, and renewed commitment to his studies.

Getting Practical:

• Journaling: Write about your positive experiences in detail. This can help you process emotions and identify valuable lessons, perhaps even finding someone to share those findings with.

• Goal Setting: Using the STAR method, set specific, achievable goals.

Additional Practical Tips for a Smooth Transition

• Ease Back In: Start slowly and gradually increase your workload.

• Set Realistic Goals: Break down larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps.

• Prioritize Tasks: Focus on the most important tasks first.

• Practice Mindfulness and Create the Right Mindset: Take breaks to practice mindfulness techniques, like deep breathing or meditation. Recalling those positive experiences and feelings can also help reduce overwhelm.

• Connect with Others: Spend time with loved ones to maintain positive social connections.

• Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small.

May you see only success and blessings in the new year!

#16 - Facing Your Fears: Exposure Therapy Through a Torah Lens

Exposure Therapy is the process of gradually exposing oneself to a feared situation or object in a controlled way. By gradually facing their fears, people become desensitized to the source of their anxiety, and it loses its power over them. Instead of avoiding what scares them, they confront it in small, manageable steps, with the goal of becoming comfortable and gaining control over their reactions.

Rabbi Shimshon Raphael Hirsch interprets the pasuk “be strong and courageous” — "חזקו ואמצו" (Devarim 31:6) as a reminder that bravery comes from actively facing our struggles rather than running from them. "חזקו" refers to the inner strength to control one's own fears and hesitations, while "ואמצו" is the courage to take action despite them. That means facing one's fears, rather than avoiding them.

There are dozens of examples across Tanach where we are told “not to fear” לֹא תירא someone or something. How can Hashem, Moshe, or any other prophet tell us how to feel? If anything, being told “don’t be afraid” usually only strengthens our fears. When the Torah instructs us, it’s a call for us to face our fears, not ignore them.

How Exposure Therapy Can Help Us Overcome Anxiety:

1. Identifying the Source of Fear Our rabbis teach us to “Know our enemy” דע את אויבך. Only once we understand who our enemy is, with his strengths and weaknesses, can we fight him. Through Cheshbon Hanefesh (spiritual accounting), recognizing the source of our fear (our greatest enemy) allows us to address it directly and attack it.

2. Taking Small Steps Forward Exposure Therapy encourages gradual exposure, one step at a time. The Torah understands that great change comes through small steps, as it says, “one mitzvah after another, one line after another, little by little.” כי צו לצו, צו לצו, קו לקו קו לקו, זעיר שם, זעיר שם (Yeshayahu 28:10),

There’s the famous story of Rebbe Akiva, when he went to learn alef-beis at the age of 40 with schoolchildren. They laughed at the sight of a grown man sitting with them in the classroom, and Rebbe Akiva wanted to give up.

His wife, Rachel, told him to take a donkey with some dirt and a plant on its back to the market, advertising that he was selling a “plant-growing donkey.” After a few days, the crowd’s ridicule in the market subsided. Rachel was teaching her husband that the strange sight of a grown man learning with children would also subside, and he should continue studying Torah. She intuitively understood that people are so involved in their own lives that the mockery Rebbe Akiva received could not be lasting, and eventually, they’d leave him alone.

Practical Examples: Stories of Growth Through Exposure Therapy

Miriam’s Social Anxiety in the Shul Kiddush Room

Miriam had severe social anxiety, especially during Kiddush in her community’s shul. Every Shabbat, she would feel isolated as she avoided the Kiddush room, fearing she’d have no one to talk to or that people might judge her. After a few months of feeling increasingly lonely, she decided it was time to make a change. Her therapist suggested Exposure Therapy.

Miriam started small. Her therapist suggested she begin by entering the Kiddush room for just a minute, saying hello to one person, and then leaving if she felt uncomfortable. The first week, she only managed to smile at someone in the doorway and left immediately after. But gradually, she began staying longer each week.

The initial stages were extremely uncomfortable for Miriam. Her heart raced, and she often felt her face go red. However, she took comfort in knowing that each small step was an achievement. As weeks went by, she found herself actually enjoying short conversations and meeting new people. Her anxiety lessened, and her Shabbat experience transformed.

Yaakov’s Fear of Public Speaking

Yaakov, a young teacher in a yeshiva, had a tremendous fear of public speaking. Every time he thought about giving a shiur (lesson), his palms would sweat, and he felt paralyzed. But as he progressed in his studies, his rosh yeshiva encouraged him to start teaching others. Yaakov couldn’t imagine speaking in front of a crowd, but he wanted to overcome his fear.

With encouragement, he started with a small group of students. At first, he felt his hands shake, and he was afraid his voice would give out. But his exposure was gradual—his rosh yeshiva suggested he give just a short thought on the parsha to three or four boys at a time.

Each time he spoke, he felt a mix of excitement and dread. But he discovered that each exposure took the edge off his fear a little more. After a few months, he was comfortable giving a 10-minute shiur to a small audience. He slowly increased his audience size and eventually became one of the beloved teachers, known for his relatable lessons.

Getting Practical: Exercises for Gradual Exposure

1. List Your Fears Write down specific fears or anxieties you want to overcome. Be as specific as possible (e.g., “I’m afraid of speaking in public,” or “I fear introducing myself to new people”).

2. Break It Down Break each fear into smaller, manageable steps. For example, if you fear public speaking, start by speaking to a close friend about a topic. Then try speaking to a small group. Gradually build up to speaking in larger settings.

3. Take One Small Step Choose the smallest possible step on your list and commit to doing it. Remind yourself that each step is progress, and remember, "be strong and courageous" חזקו ואמצו (Deuteronomy 31:6).

4. Reflect and Celebrate after each step, reflect on what you accomplished. Keep a journal to track your feelings and notice any progress, no matter how small. Celebrate your progress and remember that Hashem is with you, cheering you on!

You should see success, and with Hashem's help, conquer and grow from your fears.

#17 - Finding Balance & Overcoming Perfectionism

Perfectionism, the constant desire to be perfect, can be a real obstacle to our spiritual and emotional well-being. It manifests in various ways, such as the need to be the best, the fear of failure, and the constant striving for perfection. This can be particularly challenging for frum individuals, who may feel pressure to achieve high standards in their religious observance, studies, and personal lives.

Moshe is referred to as “האיש משה”—Moshe, the man (Shemos 11:3). Why does the Torah emphasize that Moshe was "a man"? To teach us that even Moshe was just a person, like you or me. True, he achieved spiritual levels beyond that of any ordinary person, yet the Torah shows us that even he made mistakes. For example, in the incident of Mei Meriva, Moshe hit the rock to bring forth water for the Jewish people instead of speaking to it as Hashem had commanded (Parshas Chukas).

Even our greatest leaders, such as Avraham, Moshe, and David, had flaws and made mistakes. This is not to diminish their greatness—chas v’shalom (G-d forbid)—but to remind us that perfection is not a human trait; it is reserved for Hashem alone. By recognizing our limitations and striving for improvement, we can live a more balanced and fulfilling life.

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Practical Strategies for Overcoming Perfectionism

1. Set Realistic Goals: Break down large goals into smaller, achievable steps.

2. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Remember that to err is human and "Just as He (Hashem) is merciful, so too should you be merciful" (Shabbos 133b). That includes being merciful to yourself.

3. Embrace Mistakes: View mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning. “Seven times the righteous person stumbles and yet he rises again” (Mishlei 24:16). Rabbi Dov Ber of Mezritch adds that it is important for a righteous person to fall seven times because after each fall, they discover sparks of insight on the way up.

4. Mindful Prayer: Focus on the intention behind your prayers rather than the perfection of your recitation. The purpose of prayer is to connect with Hashem.

5. Balance: Prioritize physical and emotional well-being, and avoid overworking.

6. Seek Support: Talk to a therapist, rabbi, or trusted friend about your struggles.

7. Ask Hashem to Help You: Speak to Him in your own words and ask for His guidance. There is no greater tool than that!

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Mindful Prayer—Dovid's Journey to Balanced Davening

Dovid would spend hours davening (praying), fearful that a single misplaced word would render his tefillah unacceptable. He would even find himself repeating words over and over again, trying to perfect his pronunciation. This often left him feeling drained and discouraged. He began to notice that he was davening more out of fear than out of love for Hashem.

One morning, he was unable to finish Shacharis (the morning prayer). Overwhelmed, Dovid confided in his mashgiach (spiritual mentor). The mashgiach listened carefully and suggested a shift in perspective:
"Hashem doesn’t need perfect words; He desires your heart. The purpose of tefillah is connection. Start small and focus on speaking to Hashem, not on impressing Him."

Taking this advice, Dovid began practicing mindful prayer. He set realistic goals, focusing on one part of the davening where he could really connect—the Ahava Raba (Abundant Love) section. He told himself that skipping a word or losing concentration didn’t mean failure—it was part of being human.

At first, letting go of perfection was hard. During one davening, Dovid felt the familiar pang of self-criticism. But instead of beating himself up, he paused and said quietly,
"Hashem, I’m trying. Please help me come closer to You."
This moment of vulnerability felt more meaningful than hours of rigid prayer.

Dovid’s davening is still a work in progress, but he’s learning to balance precision with connection. He’s trying to look at his davening not as a burden to perfect but as a conversation with Hashem.

The same lesson is true for everyone—whether it’s learning Torah, raising children, or running a business. Remember, it's okay to be imperfect. Our effort is more important than the outcome. By focusing on our strengths, embracing our weaknesses, and seeking Hashem's guidance, we can live a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

#18 - ✨ Leaving Mitzrayim – A Mental Shift This Pesach ✨

Pesach is Zman Cheiruseinu —a time of freedom. But real freedom isn’t just about leaving Egypt; it’s about leaving behind the thoughts, emotions, and habits that keep us stuck.

💡 Sara’s Story:

Every year, Sara dreaded the Seder—not because of the long night, but because of her sister Rivka’s comments:

❌ “You’re still at that job?”

❌ “I don’t know how you function that way!”

❌ “You’re too sensitive.”

Every Pesach, Sara felt like a child again—small, unseen, not good enough.

One year, she was inspired by a shiur about how Pesach isn’t just about physical freedom but emotional and spiritual freedom as well. The Nesivos Shalom explains that emotional pain and suffering can be even worse than physical pain.

Using these three tools, she was able to create a more positive experience:

1. Cognitive Reframing: Changing the Narrative

She asked herself:

🔹 What if Rivka’s words don’t define me?

🔹 What if I can CHOOSE how I respond?

🔹 Is it possible that Rivka’s comments say more about her than about me?

🔹 Could Rivka’s need to compare come from her own insecurities?

🔹 Do I need my sister’s validation to feel whole?

Instead of thinking, “She’s always putting me down,” she reframed it to:

👉 “Her words reflect her own worldview, not my value.”

2. Emotion Regulation: Creating an Internal Pause

Sara practiced a simple technique: The 3-Step Pause 🛑

⿡ Notice the Trigger → Whenever Rivka made a comment, Sara took a deep breath instead of reacting.

⿢ Label the Emotion → Instead of suppressing her feelings, she named them: “This is hurt. This is frustration.”

⿣ Choose a Response → She reminded herself: “I am not a child anymore. I do not need to engage in this cycle.”

This small pause gave her control.

3. Healthy Boundaries: Choosing What to Engage In

Sara realized that freedom didn’t mean pretending Rivka’s words didn’t hurt—it meant choosing how much space she allowed them to take up in her life.

✔ Setting Limits on Conversation → When Rivka started making passive-aggressive comments, Sara changed the topic.

✔ Giving Herself Permission to Walk Away → If a conversation became too toxic, she excused herself for a short break.

✔ Focusing on What Brought Her Joy → Instead of letting Rivka take over her emotions, she intentionally focused on the parts of the Seder she loved—her father’s divrei Torah, her nephews’ excitement, and the deep meaning of Yetziat Mitzrayim.

She also chose to work on forgiveness—not for Rivka’s sake, but for her own freedom.

The Seder Night: A Different Experience

That Pesach night, Rivka made a familiar remark.

👉 “Wow, you’re still living in that apartment? I would feel so trapped in a small space like that.”

Sara felt the old wave of frustration rise. But this time, she paused.

She thought: "This comment is not about me. It’s about how Rivka sees the world."

She took a deep breath, smiled, and calmly responded:

💬 “I actually love my apartment. It’s cozy and perfect for me.”

Then she turned her attention back to the beautiful Seder unfolding before her.

For the first time in years, she didn’t feel like a prisoner at the table.

✨ She had left Mitzrayim. ✨

Freedom is a Choice.

Sara’s story reminds us that true geulah (redemption) is not just about external circumstances—it’s about how we choose to think, feel, and respond.

This Pesach, ask yourself:

🔹 What limiting beliefs am I holding onto?

🔹 What emotional patterns do I need to free myself from?

🔹 How can I create healthier boundaries without resentment?

✨ This Pesach, don’t just clean your house. Clean out your old Mitzrayim.

Because Hashem didn’t just take them out—He’s taking you out, too.

#19 - 🔓 From Fear to Faith – Emunah & the Inner Redemption of Pesach

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🔹 The Root of Inner Slavery & Emunah

Behind most anxiety is a belief:

“If I don’t control this, something terrible will happen.”

That thought triggers fear → fear triggers action → action often reinforces the belief.

Pesach is often referred to as Chag HaEmunah —the holiday of faith.

It’s the time we remind ourselves that Hashem isn’t just “out there,” but actively present in our lives.

"וַנִּצְעַק... וַיּוֹצִיאֵנוּ"

“And we cried out... and He took us out.” (based on Shemos 2:23–24, 12:51)

Not just a Creator of the universe—but a Father who listens, guides, and redeems each of us, personally.

📖 "הַשְׁלֵךְ עַל ה' יְהָבְךָ וְהוּא יְכַלְכְּלֶךָ"

"Cast your burden upon Hashem, and He will sustain you.” (Tehillim 55:23)

We’re not meant to carry everything. We’re meant to cry out, and then move forward in trust—like Nachshon ben Aminadav, who stepped into the sea before it split (Sotah 37a).

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👩 Chana’s Story: The Need to Get It Right

Chana was known in her family for being “put together.” Organized. Neat. She always made the perfect Seder table.

But that pressure came with a cost.

If the soup spilled, if her teen rolled her eyes, if her husband didn’t say the whole Haggadah—she’d spiral.

The pressure to make everything perfect left her emotionally exhausted.

One night, a speaker at a shiur said:

🕯 “Redemption doesn’t come from control. It comes from surrender.”

That hit her. She realized her drive for perfection wasn’t about love of mitzvos—it was fear:

❌ “If I get it wrong, I’m failing as a wife, a mother, a Yid.”

❌ “I’m afraid it won’t feel like a real Pesach... like it will all have been for nothing.”

She worked on her Emunah and CBT tools to reframe:

✔ “Hashem never asked for perfect—He asked for real effort.”

✔ “My worth isn’t in outcomes. It’s in connection.”

✔ “Letting go isn’t weakness. It’s trust.”

She printed out this pasuk:

📖 "רַבּוֹת מַחֲשָׁבוֹת בְּלֶב אִישׁ, וַעֲצַת ה' הִיא תָקוּם"

“Many are the thoughts in a person’s heart, but it is Hashem’s plan that will stand.” (Mishlei 19:21)

…and taped it to her fridge.

That Pesach, she served frozen dessert instead of homemade. The table wasn’t Mishpacha-worthy.

But her inner calm? That was a new kind of beauty .

She left her own Mitzrayim.

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👨 Reuven’s Story: The Pressure to Provide

Reuven was feeling crushed by financial stress. Pesach meant bills—matzah, wine, meat, new shoes, and guests.

It caused him to lash out at his kids, close himself off from his wife, and left him in a general low mood.

He even felt bad that he couldn’t enjoy having everyone home or feel the excitement of the chag.

He couldn’t sleep at night. His thoughts ran wild:

❌ “I’m failing my family.”

❌ “What if I can’t keep up?”

❌ “I have to fix everything or we’ll fall apart.”

One day, he confided in his chavrusa, who gently said:

“Hashem took care of millions in the desert—with no jobs, no money, and no groceries. You think He can’t help you too?”

That pasuk echoed in his mind:

📖 "ה' יִלָּחֵם לָכֶם, וְאַתֶּם תַּחֲרִשׁוּן"

“Hashem will fight for you, and you shall remain silent.” (Shemos 14:14)

With that, Reuven began to challenge his thoughts:

• “Is this pressure coming from Hashem or from my own fear?”

• “Have I ever been truly abandoned?”

• “Have I ever gone a day without a roof over my head or food on my table?”

• “What would trusting Hashem look like right now?”

He started whispering a new mantra before bed:

🕊 “Hashem is the One who gives parnassah. I’m just the messenger.”

Was the stress gone overnight? No.

But Reuven walked into Pesach with a quieter mind—and a stronger heart.

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🔹 Rewiring the Thought → Emotion → Behavior Cycle

CBT teaches that we’re not at the mercy of our thoughts—we can interrupt the pattern.

The Sefer HaChinuch says the same:

📖 "אַחֲרֵי הַפְּעֻלוֹת נִמְשָׁכִים הַלְּבָבוֹת"

“The heart is drawn after the actions.” (Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 16)

When we act with trust—even if we don’t feel it—our heart begins to follow.

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🔑 Practical CBT Tools + Torah Anchors

1. Thought Check:

When anxiety hits, whisper to yourself:

→ “I feel fear—but that doesn’t mean I’m in danger.”

→ “I can make space for uncertainty—Hashem is holding me.”

Then anchor it in a pasuk. Repeat it when you’re triggered:

📖 "גַּם כִּי־אֵלֵךְ בְּגֵיא צַלְמָוֶת, לֹא־אִירָא רָע כִּי־אַתָּה עִמָּדִי"

“Even when I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.” (Tehillim 23:4)

📖 "אֵין עוֹד מִלְבַדּוֹ"

“There is nothing else besides Him.” (Devarim 4:35)

📖 "וַיֵּאָמֵן הָעָם"

“And the people believed.” (Shemos 4:31)

📖 "ה' יִלָּחֵם לָכֶם, וְאַתֶּם תַּחֲרִשׁוּן"

“Hashem will fight for you, and you shall remain silent.” (Shemos 14:14)

📖 "רַבּוֹת מַחֲשָׁבוֹת בְּלֶב אִישׁ..."

“Many are the thoughts in a person’s heart…” (Mishlei 19:21)

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2. Thought Records:

Keep a journal or use the Notes app:

• What was the anxious thought?

• Is this thought 100% true—or is it fear talking?

• What is a Torah-aligned way to see it?

• What would I tell a friend who had this thought?

• What would action look like if I trusted Hashem?

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👣 Your Personal Redemption

This Pesach, don’t just clean your home.

Clean the fear that says “I’m alone.”

You’re not.

Hashem is still splitting seas—you just have to take the first step.

🕊 From panic to peace

🕊 From control to surrender

🕊 From fear to deep, rooted Emunah

That’s freedom. That’s Yetziat Mitzrayim.

#20 - 🛬 Re-Entry After Pesach: Finding Stability After Spiritual Highs

Pesach is a wonderful time. It’s an opportunity to change the look of our home, take a break from our routine, and remove the chametz from our hearts, allowing ourselves the freedom to reconnect with family, friends, and most importantly, our Creator.

But what happens once the chag ends?

The kitchen returns to chametz, the dining room is quiet, and we go back to school, work, and everyday stress.

Inside, many are left with something subtler:

😩 The quiet sense of letdown: “Was that it?”

❓ A sense of “Now what?”

🌀 The return to stress—perhaps even feeling overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done.

This transition can feel like a yeridah — a spiritual and emotional drop.

We don’t talk about it enough — but the days after a powerful spiritual experience can feel… flat.

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📉 From Elevation to Emptiness

The Sefat Emet teaches that after an aliyah, a spiritual ascent, a yeridah often follows.

It’s not a failure — it’s part of the process.

"After every arousal from above, there must be a descent, so that a person has space to work and elevate on their own." (Pesach 5645)

Hashem lifts us up during special moments, but real growth begins when that spiritual high fades — and we choose to keep walking without the same inspiration.

🔑 Like a child learning to walk: the moment the parent lets go is when the real growth begins.

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🧠 The CBT Layer: Why Reentry Feels So Hard

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) explains that our emotions and actions stem from our thoughts — often subconscious.

After Yom Tov, people may think:

• “I can’t keep up with real life.”

• “The inspiration faded, so maybe it wasn’t real.”

• “I’m already behind. Why bother trying?”

• “I don’t want to go back to the grind.”

These thoughts aren’t facts — they’re interpretations.

They can trigger low mood, procrastination, and self-doubt — sometimes even mild anxiety or depression.

We don’t need to believe every thought we think.

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🧰 CBT Tools + Techniques for Reentry

1. Thought Checks – Be Curious, Not Critical

Catch the thought → Check it → Choose a better alternative.

Ask yourself:

• “What am I telling myself right now?”

• “Would I say that to someone I love?”

• “What’s a more positive way to see this?”

Example:

❌ “I’m already off track.”

✅ “Hashem doesn’t expect perfection — He asks for effort.”

✅ “This is just part of the process.”

2. Motion Creates Emotion

Motivation doesn’t always come first — movement does.

Even one small action — sending one email, davening one pasuk — can reset your system.

📖 “The heart is drawn after the actions.” (Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 16)

Start with action, even before you feel it. Send one email. Sit down to learn a pasuk. Write your to-do list.

Your mind will catch up.

3. Re-Anchor Your “Why”

The Kotzker Rebbe said:

“Some people think avodah is in the big moments. But the greatest work is in the moments you’d rather skip.”

Ask yourself:

• “What does Hashem want from me in this moment?”

• “How can I carry Pesach into the challenge of today?”

Closeness is built every day, not just on Yom Tov.

Hashem is just as present on your Monday morning as He was at your Seder table.

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Have a healthy and successful summer!

#21 - 🌟 Leaving Mitzrayim – Part 2: Freedom from Our Own Insecurities 🌟

In the article posted just before Pesach, “Leaving Mitzrayim – A Mental Shift This Pesach,” we explored how freedom means not just leaving Egypt — but also leaving behind emotional patterns that keep us stuck.

In response, Yaakov* reached out and shared that his spouse doesn’t criticize him — yet he still finds himself getting annoyed at her because of his own insecurities.

First of all, kol hakavod (credit to you!). It takes real emotional maturity to recognize that sometimes the battle isn't outside of us — but inside. Recognizing “I’m being triggered” instead of “It’s her fault I feel this way” — is true strength. 💪

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🌿 What if the real challenge isn’t other people… but the limiting beliefs we carry inside? 

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💡 Dvora’s Story:

Dvora loved her husband. He was kind, steady, and deeply committed.

But sometimes...

🔹 When he came home late without texting,

🔹 When he forgot to comment on her cooking,

🔹 When he seemed tired and distracted...

A feeling of resentment built up inside of her. Not because he did anything wrong — but because Dvora’s inner voice whispered:

❌ “You’re not important.”

❌ “No one notices you.”

❌ “If you mattered more, he’d act differently.”

🔒 Limiting beliefs like “unimportant,” “invisible,” “small” shaped how she felt.

🔹 The Sfas Emes (Va’eira 5631) teaches: Yetziyas Mitzrayim — Leaving Egypt wasn’t just escaping physical bondage. It was freeing ourselves from kotzer ruach — narrowness of spirit (Shemos 6:9). The stuck mindset that limits our connection to Hashem and ourselves.

Dvora realized: She wasn’t trapped by her husband’s behavior. She was trapped by some old story she’d been telling herself about who she was.

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🧠 1. Cognitive Reframing:

Dvora challenged herself:

🔹 “Is it really true that my worth depends on his behavior?”

🔹 “Could he be tired — and still love me deeply?”

🔹 “Am I seeing things through an old lens of fear?”

She re-framed her thinking:

✔ “My worth is defined by Hashem, not people.”

✔ “Love isn't measured by every little action.”

✔ “I can feel secure even when things aren't perfect.”

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💗 2. Emotional Awareness: Naming, Not Blaming

When she felt the trigger, she paused.

🌀 “What emotion is coming up for me?”

Instead of reacting, she labeled it:

💙 "This is fear of being overlooked. This is sadness."

📖 As it says: "דְּאָגָה בְּלֶב אִישׁ יַשְׁחֶנָּה"

" If there is worry in a person’s heart — let him speak it out."

(Mishlei 12:25, Berachos 55a)

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🌱 3. Taking Ownership: My Feelings, My Work

Dvora wrote herself a powerful reminder:

✨ “My spouse isn’t causing my insecurity. He’s revealing where I still need to strengthen my Emunah and self-worth.”

📖 "אֵין אָדָם נִצְטַעֵר אֶלָּא מִתּוֹךְ חִסָּרוֹן עַצְמוֹ" "A person only feels pain because of their own inner lack." (Chovos HaLevavos, Shaar HaKniah)

Pain isn’t failure — it’s an invitation to heal.

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🧔‍♂ Yaakov’s Story:

Yaakov enjoyed his wife’s warmth and spontaneity. But whenever she made last-minute plans with guests, or forgot an important errand, he got irritated.

Underneath?

❌ “You’re incompetent if you’re not totally in control.”

Limiting Belief: Incompetent

After reflection, he realized:

“My irritation isn’t about her. It’s my old fear of being seen as incapable.”

He practiced saying:

✔ “Life isn't about proving competence. It’s about connection.”

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👧 Miriam’s Story: 

Every time her mother gave advice about homework, friends, or clothes — even kindly — Miriam felt like exploding.

Her inner voice:

❌ “I’m a failure. I can’t figure out basic things.”

Limiting Belief: Failure

Miriam practiced:

✔ “Advice isn’t criticism.

✔ I am capable — even if I sometimes need help.”

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🔑 Getting Practical:

1. Identify the Trigger:

→ "What specific thing triggered me?"

2. Name the Limiting Belief:

→ Find a one-word label: (Invisible, Unimportant, Failure, Incompetent, Helpless).

3. Challenge the Belief:

→ "Is this 100% true? Can I see this differently?"

4. Use a Torah Anchor:

Choose a pasuk that grounds you:

📖 "חביב אדם שנברא בצלם" — " Beloved is man, created in the Divine image." (Avos 3:18)

📖 "אין עוד מלבדו" — " There is nothing besides Him. " (Devarim 4:35)

5. Own Your Growth:

→ “This pain is showing me where I need to heal and grow.”

You should have much hatzlacha (success)!

#22 - ✨ Daily Mental Hygiene: A 3-Minute Morning Mindset Reset ✨

Most of us wouldn’t think of leaving the house without brushing our teeth or washing our hands. But what about our minds?

What about the emotional and cognitive residue left behind from yesterday’s stress, fears, comparisons, or self-judgment?

Just like physical hygiene, we need daily mental hygiene — a practice to clear our minds and stay focused.

 

🧠 What about the emotional and cognitive “residue” we carry from yesterday —
→ the sharp comment
→ the unfinished to-do list
→ the inner critic whispering, “I’m already behind.”

We clean our bodies — but we forget to clean our thoughts.

 

Right at the very beginning of the Shulchan Aruch (Code of Jewish Law), it states:
“יתגבר כארי לעמוד בבוקר לעבודת בוראו” — a person should strengthen themselves like a lion to rise in the morning to serve Hashem. Our morning mindset is significant. It defines the energy of the whole day.

 

We’ve discussed this before:
Thoughts → Emotions → Behavior.
If we begin the day with distorted or heavy thoughts, our mood sinks — and our actions follow.

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Every morning is literally a new creation. Hashem Himself begins again — and so should we.
We even reaffirm this in our daily morning prayers: "המחדש בטובו בכל יום תמיד מעשה בראשית" — “He renews the works of creation daily, in His goodness.” (Berachos 60b)

 

Hashem believes in us and in our ability to start anew. It says in Eicha (3:23) “חדשים לבקרים רבה אמונתך” — “New every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” Rashi teaches that this refers to Hashem’s faith in us — in our ability to begin fresh each day.

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🌅 The 3-Minute Morning Reset
Try this before davening, while getting dressed, or even during coffee prep. The goal: start clean.

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1️. Ask: What Thought Am I Carrying from Yesterday?

 

🧩 “What’s the one thought that’s looping in my head?”

 

Examples:
• “I messed up that conversation.”
• “I'm not doing enough.”
• “Today will be too much.”
• “I failed.”
• “I’m overwhelmed.”
• “No one sees me.”

 

Now, hold that thought up to the light of truth:

🕵️ “Is this 100% true?”
🕵️ “Is it helpful? Is it holy?”

 

📖 “חָבִיב אָדָם שֶׁנִּבְרָא בְּצֶלֶם” (Avos 3:18)
“Beloved is the human being, created in the image of G-d.”
➡ No thought — no matter how loud — can erase your greatness. Don’t let it.

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2️. Reframe It. Replace It.

 

Now choose a thought that is true and empowering:

✔ “Yesterday isn’t today.”
✔ “Hashem gave me today because He trusts me with it.”
✔ “I can do hard things — with His help.”
✔ “I’m not alone — I have inner strength and Hashem’s support.”

 

💡 Remember to let go and let G-d:

"אֵין עוֹד מִלְבַדּוֹ" — “There is nothing besides Him.” (Devarim 4:35)
Your anxiety, your schedule, your confusion — give it to Him to handle.
You're not battling life alone. You're walking it with G-d. Nothing is too big for Him.

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3️. Breathe + Intend

 

Pause for 20 seconds.

🌬 Inhale slowly and say:

🗣 “Today is a new beginning.”
🗣 “I choose clarity over chaos. Growth over guilt. Faith over fear.”
🗣 “Hashem, guide my mind, my heart, and my words.”

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📿 Try This for 7 Days:

Set a 3-minute window each morning (even while doing something else if necessary).

✔ Ask: “What thought am I carrying?”
✔ Reframe it with truth.
✔ Choose a Torah anchor and breathe it in.

 

✨ Write it down — it brings things into focus.
✨ Say it out loud — it shifts the energy.
✨ Share it with a friend — it turns growth into connection.

 

Tomorrow is Erev Shabbos. Start then — watch it impact your day and your connection to this day apart.

If you’re willing to give it a try, I’d love to hear your feedback on how it went.

 

Have a great Shabbos!

🌿 *CBT ToolTalk #23 – The Silent Triggers: Why We React Before We Speak*

Often, it’s not what the other person said — but what we thought they meant.

The brain doesn’t wait patiently for data. It fills in gaps, jumps to conclusions, and interprets tone, body language, or context. More often than not, it’s what we silently told ourselves — before the other person even opened their mouth.

"כל הפוסל, במומו פוסל" — Anyone who finds fault in others is projecting their own flaw. (Kiddushin 70a)

🧠 These are called Cognitive Distortions:

• 🗣️ Mind Reading: "I just know they're judging me."

• 📉 Catastrophizing (see CBT ToolTalk #6) : "This small mistake means everything is ruined!"

• ⚫⚪ All-or-Nothing Thinking: "If I'm not perfect, I'm a total failure."

These distortions shape our reactions more than reality does.

📖 "הַחַיִּים וְהַמָּוֶת בְּיַד הַלָּשׁוֹן" — “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.” (Mishlei 18:21)

But which lashon? The Kotzker Rebbe taught: it’s not just the tongue in your mouth — it’s your inner lashon , your silent self-talk, that can build or break you.

👤 Real Life Examples:

1. Your spouse comes home and heads straight to the bedroom.

They don’t say much. You instantly feel:

→ “He’s ignoring me.”

→ “She’s upset at me.”

→ “I must’ve done something wrong.”

But is that what they actually said? No — it’s what you _told yourself_ silently.

CBT calls this mind reading or fortune telling — filling in the blanks with negativity before you have evidence.

2. You text your friend to confirm plans for a Shabbos meal — and she doesn’t respond.

A few hours go by. Still nothing. You start thinking:

→ “She’s ignoring me.”

→ “Maybe I offended her.”

→ “She doesn’t really value our friendship.”

But what actually happened? Silence. No response — not rejection.

📍CBT calls this emotional reasoning — “I feel hurt, so it must be true that she’s upset at me.”

But the Torah reminds us to give the benefit of the doubt:

🔹 "וּבְצֶדֶק תִּשְׁפֹּט עֲמִיתֶךָ" — “Judge your fellow with righteousness.” (Vayikra 19:15)

The Chofetz Chaim writes that many cases of lashon hara (negative speech) and rechilus (slander) begin with a misinterpretation — not actual wrongdoing. (Shemiras HaLashon, Shaar HaZechira, Ch. 3)

Maybe your friend was distracted, overwhelmed, or simply didn’t see your message. Dan l’kaf zechus isn’t a naïve excuse — it’s a spiritual responsibility.

🌸 And just as we distort what others say through our own thoughts, others are doing the same with us. Being sensitive to this helps us communicate with more empathy and care.

💡When you feel triggered — don’t just react. Pause for 15 seconds before responding.

💎 "סְיָג לַחָכְמָה שְׁתִיקָה" — “The fence around wisdom is silence.” (Pirkei Avos 3:17)

That silence isn’t weakness — it’s where we find clarity and truth.

Ask yourself:

→ What am I telling myself?

→ Is this 100% true?

→ What would I say if I felt calm?

Say to yourself:

🗣 “My thoughts are not facts. My tone is a choice. Hashem gave me this moment to daven (pray) — and to grow.”

🧠 Getting Practical:

📝 Practice a 3-sentence pause:

“I’m feeling ___. I think it’s because ___. What else might be true?”

🗂 Keep a Trigger Journal for 3 days: log what made you react and what you were thinking.

🕊 A quiet inner world builds shalom in the outer one.

CBT ToolTalk #24: “When Words Work”

Part 2 of 3 in our mini-series on communication

In the last post CBT ToolTalk #23 – The Silent Triggers: Why We React Before We Speak, we discussed cognitive distortions. Another major obstacle in communication are *emotional filters* . 

When Hashem created man, the Torah says: וַיְהִי הָאָדָם לְנֶפֶשׁ חַיָּה " And man became a living soul." (Bereishis 2:7) —

Onkelos translates this as: "לְרוּחַ מְמַלְלָא" — a speaking spirit. Our speech the foundation of our humanity and how we connect to Hashem, ourselves, and others.

Hashem (and usually ourselves) understands the true meaning of what we’re saying. But when it comes to others, our words can sometimes create distance. Misunderstandings, quick reactions, and emotional friction happen even with people we love and trust.

Why?

We don’t just hear others — we filter their words through our emotions. When we’re anxious, guilty, insecure, or feeling unseen, even the gentlest words can sound sharp.

These are called emotional filters. They distort how we interpret and respond.

📖 The Ramban expresses this perfectly in his explanation of the pasuk:

"שְׁמַע בֵּין אֲחֵיכֶם" (Devarim 1:16) — “ _Listen between your brothers_ .”

He writes: "It is proper that you understand from their words what is in their hearts — that you listen to the claim and to the response, and reflect deeply on their words in order to judge righteously."

________________________________________

🔍 Where’s My Shirt?

Rina’s husband came home from Maariv and casually asked,

“Did the laundry get done today?” Rina tensed up.

“Why is he checking up on me? Doesn’t he see how overwhelmed I am?”

She almost snapped — but paused.

She asked herself:

🧠 “What filter am I hearing this through?”

She realized she had been battling inner guilt all day about not being productive.

The question wasn’t hurtful — her own lens was.

She softened and asked,

“Were you looking for your white shirt?”

He nodded — grateful for the calm.

➡️ She moved from reactivity to responsiveness.

________________________________________

🛠 Getting Practical:

✅ 1. Emotional Inventory Before You Speak:

→ “What feeling am I bringing into this interaction?”

→ “Am I reacting from fear or choosing from clarity?”

✅ 2. Pause → Breathe → Choose

Practice pausing even for 3 seconds. That space allows you to speak from your neshama, not your ego.

✅ 3. Anchor Your Words in Emunah (Faith)

"The root of conflict is a flaw in Emunah . One who truly trusts in Hashem has no need to argue or fight — for everything comes from Him. As a result, there’s no anger or aggression."

(Netivot Shalom, Parshas Korach)

________________________________________

🎯 Final Thought:

Words can build homes or burn bridges.

But when we filter our reactions through Emunah and self-awareness, even hard conversations can become holy ones.

🧠 CBT ToolTalk #25: “Speaking the Language of the Heart”

Part 3 of 3 in our Communication Mini-Series

In this final part of our series on communication, we focus on something crucial:

Not just what we say — but how we say it, and whether it truly speaks to the other person’s heart.

There’s a famous model of 5 Languages of Love that shows how each of us gives and receives love differently.

The five languages are:

• Words of Affirmation

• Acts of Service

• Receiving Gifts

• Quality Time

• Physical Touch

We even find these 5 languages hinted to in *Shir HaShirim* (5:2), the love song between Hashem and His people:

"אֲנִי יְשֵׁנָה וְלִבִּי עֵר קוֹל דּוֹדִי דוֹפֵק פִּתְחִי לִי אֲחֹתִי רַעְיָתִי יוֹנָתִי תַמָּתִי"

"I am asleep but my heart is awake. The voice of my beloved is knocking: Open for me — my sister, my darling, my dove, my perfect one..."

Each expression reflects a different love language:

🔸 Physical Touch

📖 דוֹדִי דוֹפֵק — “My beloved is knocking”

📚 Shir HaShirim Rabbah 5:2:

"זה קולו של הקב"ה... דופק בדבר נבואה, דופק בדבר רוח הקודש..." 

“This the voice of the Holy One, blessed be He... He knocks through prophecy, He knocks through Divine inspiration (Ruach HaKodesh).”

📝Hashem is communicating by touching us. The “knock” awakens us spiritually.

🔸 Quality Time

📖 אֲחֹתִי — “My sister”

📚 Radak: "דמיון אהבת האחות שהיא טבעית וקבועה"

“It is like the love of a sister, which is natural and constant.”

📝Denotes companionship — like siblings who share history and values through presence.

🔸 Acts of Service

📖 רַעְיָתִי — “My darling”

📚 Malbim: רעייתי — "שהיא כרעיה, שמתקשרת אל דודה בפעולותיה..."

“Like a shepherd — the beloved draws close through action.”

📝רַעְיָתִי  has the same root in Hebrew as רועה — like a shepherd.

🔸 Words of Affirmation

📖 יוֹנָתִי — “My dove”

📚 Zohar (Vayikra 16a):

"יונתי זו כנסת ישראל, שמדברת אליו תמיד"

"My dove — this refers to Knesses Yisrael, who speaks to Him constantly."

📝A dove symbolizes sweet communication through song.

🔸 Receiving Gifts

📖 תַמָּתִי — “My perfect one”

📚 Shir HaShirim Rabbah 4:7:

"תמימה את מעון, תמימה את מעשה, תמימה את מצוות"

“My perfect one: You are perfect in your dwelling, perfect in your deeds, perfect in your commandments...”

📝The Midrash explains how we are whole in these three things since they were a gift from Hashem.

________________________________________

📖 Shlomo HaMelech is teaching us that Hashem doesn’t just speak — He communicates.

In our relationships, it’s the same. To be truly heard, we must speak in the language the other person needs.

________________________________________

🧍‍♂️ The Time That Spoke Louder Than Gifts

Yossi wasn’t able to connect to his teenage son.

He kept buying gifts, hoping to connect — but his son just shrugged.

One Shabbos afternoon, Yossi sat quietly on the porch with him. No phones, no agenda — just presence.

After 20 minutes of silence, his son opened up more than he had in months.

💬 “I was speaking gifts. He needed quality time.”

________________________________________

👨‍🍳 Love in a Clean Kitchen

Chaim wasn’t the expressive type — words weren’t his strong suit.

But every Friday, without fail, he scrubbed the kitchen and folded laundry before his wife got home.

One day she said, “You never say you love me.”

He didn’t understand.

💬 “But I’m folding the laundry?”

If she realized his love language was Acts of Service, it would’ve reframed everything.

________________________________________

🧠 CBT doesn’t talk about the 5 Love Languages directly, but they work well together — because when people don’t feel loved in the way they need, it can lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and unhelpful thoughts.

🔄 Reframing Love Language Conflicts

Trigger Thought:

“He never compliments me — I must not be good enough.”

Challenge:

Is it true? Could he show love differently (like acts of service)?

Emotional Filter:

Am I interpreting this through old wounds or insecurity?

Balanced Thought:

“He shows love differently. I can share my need for words without assuming rejection.”

Behavioral Change:

Speak in his love language and calmly request your own.

________________________________________

🛠️ Getting Practical: Speak Their Language

✅ 1. Identify Their Language

What makes them feel truly seen? Compliments? Help? Time? Touch? A gift?

✅ 2. Stretch Into Their Style

Even if it’s not your default, express love and care in their way — not just your own.

✅ 3. Recognize the Truth

Just because they might not speak your language of love, doesn’t mean they don’t care.

________________________________________

🧡 It’s not what you say — it’s how you say it, in a language that communicates.

🛠 CBT ToolTalk #26: “Repair Work — Reconnecting After Conflict”

Let’s take a look at a concept called rupture and repair.

A rupture is a moment of disconnection, misalignment, or frustration.

Repair is the process of re-establishing connection and trust after a rupture.

Even the closest relationships — siblings, friends, roommates, or spouses — will have moments of tension, misunderstanding, and hurt.

What defines the strength of a relationship is not the absence of conflict,

but the willingness and ability to repair after it.

❓The question is not: “Did we mess up?”

✅The real question is: Can we repair and reconnect?

This is especially relevant as we prepare for Shavuos, when we received the Torah

“k’ish echad b’lev echad” — as one person with one heart (Mechilta,Yisro) — with unity.

After conflict, do you:

• Shut down, blame, or hold grudges?

• Or own your part, validate the other, and reach out again?

Owning your part in a conflict isn’t weakness. It’s emotional strength.

🧥 Even though Yosef’s brothers taunted him, threw him in a pit, and sold him into slavery,

when he first revealed himself to them, he said:

“אֲנִי יוֹסֵף אֲחִיכֶם” — “ I am Yosef your brother” (Bereishis 45:4)

He could have just said “I’m Yosef.”

Why add “your brother”?

To emphasize connection and forgiveness — not accusation.

Yosef also reframed the conflict with emunah (faith):

“You intended to harm me, but Hashem intended it for good” (Bereishis 50:20)

When we can see that even painful moments are part of Hashem’s plan,

it helps us reconnect, instead of retaliate.

🛠 The Repair Script

A simple CBT formula to come back together — calmly, respectfully, and with heart:

Step 1: Reach Out Gently

🗣 “Hey, I felt like something was off earlier. Can we talk for a minute?”

Step 2: Own Your Part (without blame!)

🙏 “I realize I came off a little harsh. I think I was reacting from stress, not really from what you said.”

Step 3: Validate Their Experience

💬 “I imagine that felt hurtful, and I’m really sorry.”

Step 4: Express Care and Recommit

❤️ “I care about you. I’d like us to work through this and feel connected again.”

🔁 We don’t need perfection — we need connection.